Why strong chemistry doesn’t always lead to a strong relationship
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemicals: if there is a reaction, both are transformed.” Carl Jung.
In the process of falling in love, what they call chemistry is fundamental. Chemistry, according to anthropologist Helen Fischer, is a mixture of hormones (testosterone and estrogen) and neurotransmitters (dopamine and serotonin). The problem with chemistry that Fischer explains is that many times without realizing it we seek to supply deficiencies and needs that we bring from childhood with paternal or maternal figures that heal our wounds. In other words, we are looking for a partner to repair what is broken in us.
When we find someone whose profile corresponds in some way to our unresolved traumas, many hormones and neurotransmitters are immediately activated. As a consequence we think we have chemistry with that person (and indeed they give us an incredible high). But if the chemical stimulation in us does not come about for the right reasons, what will happen is that the relationship will not be sustainable over time.
Many people force themselves to be with others for the sake of pure chemistry, but the relationship doesn’t really work out or go anywhere. These people endure abuse, divided opinions, bad attitudes and more by clinging to chemistry, in these cases produced by an unconscious association made with childhood deficiencies.
That’s why chemistry isn’t everything. There may be underlying chemistry in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
You will always be sexually and emotionally attracted to certain personalities, but unfortunately that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. That’s why you should evaluate your options wisely so as not to fall into dependent or dysfunctional relationships.
Women who had an alcoholic father, for example, are more likely to hold on to relationships even if they don’t work, giving these bad men a chance over and over again, according to studies. If this is your case, you will probably feel a lot of chemistry with the person and think he is the one, but it is not so, you are simply trying to resolve a childhood trauma in your adulthood without realizing it.
Then don’t justify a toxic relationship based on “the chemistry.” Just because your neurological system is stimulated doesn’t mean it’s healthy love. The facts speak for themselves, and they’re more infallible than feelings.
Remember to love yourself first. If you are still carrying around childhood problems related to your mother or father, don’t expect a couple to come and fix them. Going to therapy is not bad, we need to overcome what marked us and heal our heart and our memory so we can learn to love without suffering, without doing harm and without destroying ourselves.
Loving is really beautiful when it is done healthily. If you want a stable and healthy couple, don’t just rely on chemistry to choose it. Look at the facts, don’t ignore the signs, and immediately reject what doesn’t suit you.