Why do we fall into emotional dependence?
We’re all dependent on each other. From the beginning of our life, in our mother’s womb, we depend on her for the most basic needs such as breathing and feeding. From then on, as we grow up, our dependence is less physiological and more social and emotional. The truth is that all of us when we reach adulthood have even a certain degree of dependence on other people.
During adolescence we struggle to achieve our “independence”, it is what we most desire to have. But independence is a utopia, it is not necessarily good because motherly love, brotherly love and all kinds of love are not exactly independent.
Emotional dependence, natural or pathological?
We have two extremes to this dilemma. As we have already stated, dependency seems to be ingrained in human nature, no matter how far or fast we seek to escape, we will always be under the bond of dependency in some aspect of our lives.
Now, psychology has taught us that emotional dependence is harmful. We stop being or doing for each other, and that cracks our personality traits and our freedoms.
We must clarify that if you seek to be independent, not need anyone and carry out your project against all odds without asking for help, without expressing your emotions and so on, at some point you will collapse and the fall will be quite strong. Because naturally as humans our mental health also depends on how we live in community. Part of our well-being depends on how supported we feel and how valuable our help is to others.
But when does dependency become pathological? It is really dangerous for you when you fix your dependence on one person, and when that person assumes all the responsibility for our emotional state.
In other words, if that person alone influences whether you are wonderful or terribly bad, you are a slave to emotional dependence. Suppose you need to go to the bank but you don’t like to go alone, so you tell your partner to go with you; for some reason he can’t do that and one of two things happens: either you stop doing it and go away feeling terribly miserable.
This is a very vague example, but certainly, when we have to face things we don’t like to do or can’t do alone, we need support. Apply it to more complex life situations. When your options are reduced to one person and you even feel guilty if you involve another person as a solution, you have a terrible emotional dependency.
Dependence is natural, but when you receive a denial from a person there it should not end the story, but you should be able to feel free to count on others for support. It may be nice that you want to do everything with your partner and seek their approval in every context of life, but there is a fine line that sometimes blurs and leads to harmful dependence.
You should know, that in a co-dependent relationship, neither of us grows and the unhealthy bond sooner or later falls apart.